


I Was Once a...

by GBHoltzFan



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-11
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-10-02 20:08:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10226222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GBHoltzFan/pseuds/GBHoltzFan
Summary: Success and fame change Holtzmann.





	1. Then and Now

"I don't know who I am anymore." thought Holtz.

At 6, she started school, a bright, curious, imaginative, blue-eyed blond girl. 

At 12, she'd blurted out to her mom she thought she was gay. 

At 14, she knew she was. She crushed on girls, on female teachers, and female celebrities. 

Her mom had learned to guide her strong-willed, too smart daughter, not by imposing rules or criticizing behaviours but rather by letting Jillian set own goals, and understand the action/reaction consequences had on achieving her goals. Jillian would then decide for herself with her mom's full support. To an outsider, she may have looked and acted reckless while in fact she took calculated risks, blessed with a strong sense of self-preservation. 

As much for her own sanity as for her sister's, Jillian decided she wasn't going to become the target of homophobic jokes by coming out and waiving the flag in high school. She told a few of her closest friends, people she could count on to be discret. That's all. It stopped her well-meaning friends from trying to match her up with cute teenage boys. 

Being smart, smarter than most kids in fact, could have resulted in Jillian becoming a different kind of target. The label "nerd" being as bad as "gay" in high school. She had managed to offset the stigma of academic excellence with her outgoing personality. She was smart and witty, sweet witty. She could make people laugh. 

She knew she needed more than top marks to get accepted at one of the best university on a full scholarship. All through high school, she had no time for romance. She was busy with music lessons, the school newspaper, science fairs (and honours), math competitions, implementing an after-school math and science tutoring program for elementary school students. She took care of her sex drive in the privacy of her bedroom.

At 18, she hit the jackpot as an undergrad at CalTech. She could live and breath physics, be weird, gay and nerdy, and it was ok. She dropped girly clothes in favour of more pratical lab clothes, started introducing herself as "Holtzmann", made it known she liked women. With her wicked sense of humour, hard work and genius, she topped her class, year after year. She gained in confidence and it showed. 

During this time, she started approaching women with corny flirting lines, in a non-offensive way, with just the right mixture of self-assurance and sweetness. It was fun. Reactions were positive. A zealous, gifted student, she mastered in quick succession the arts of kissing, caressing, and providing mind-blowing orgasms. The Holtzmann personna was a hit with women of all sexual orientations. She didn't have time for girlfriends. She made time for one-nighters, a lot of them.

At 21, as a new MIT grad student, her technical skills had netted her the mentorship of the brillant Dr. Gorin, the watchful eye of the military secret service and she had become the darling of lesbian bars. 

By 25, she earned her PhD in Nuclear Engineering. She was recruited by CERN. Her style of engineering clashed with established practices. She ended up taking a job with another brilliant female scientist misfit in a 3rd rate teaching institute. She was happy. She could be herself, a brilliant weirdo, a proud gay woman engineer inventing ground breaking machines.

At 31, she (and her weapons) saved the world, as part of the newly formed Ghostbusters, a group of strong, smart women. 

But by age 33, she didn't recognize herself. What happened?

Life happened. Fame happened. Shit happened. To ensure continued funding for her team and her lab, she'd grugingly agreed to be dragged to countless meetings, photo ops, and speaking engagements.

Nobody openly asked her to tone down her gayness, except perhaps the studio, who made a point of glossing over it, almost admitting to the less controversial "pansexual" label for her part in the ghosbusters' documentary. 

It hurt but she rationalized that the movie was about work. It stung when, during interviews, her collegues were asked about romantic interests or kids and she wasn't. She started talking about her cat. People wanted to know how it felt to be a young, brilliant engineer. Nobody asked her how it felt to be a young, brilliant lesbian woman engineer. 

So much was at stake. She fell in the "don't ask, don't tell" routine, she who had been an out and proud lesbian for half of her life. Though she had never been a kiss and tell person, she had never refrained from getting hands-on in public places. Now, with fans following her every move and posting pics on social media, it wasn't fun anymore. 

It was so weird: she didn't want to be some kind of sex symbol. She had wanted to be a role model for young women, straight or gay, to get into science. That she had achieved. She had wanted to be a self-acceptance role model for baby dykes. 

It wasn't all bad. Fame came with perks. Beautiful, famous people, male and female, wanted to be seen with her. Free food, free booze, invitations to the best parties. She had name recognition, as a beautiful geeky weirdo. Her advertised presence at a venue meant a sold-out house. Money flowed into the Ghostbusters Inc. account. 

Her fun "lesbian salute" had all but disappeared. Her eyes didn't mean it anymore. Unless blatantly inappropriate, she tolerated men's touches and sexist jokes with only mild or no protest at all. 

She had not foreseen how, outside her sheltered lesbian, gay-friendly group, the heterosexual world would change her by osmosis. 

On the morning she thought "I don't know who I am anymore", Holtz added aloud "and I don't like who I am becoming."


	2. Look Where It Got You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holtz calls a meeting.

That morning, Holtz called a meeting at the firehouse.

She sat quietly, as the other members of her team, filed in.

As she pulled a chair, Patty said: "Hey, what's the matter girl? You're awfully quiet this morning."

"What is it, Jillian?" pipped Abby.

"She must be leaving." thought Erin, her hands folded on the table.

Holding her head, yellow glasses doing a poor job at hiding her tired eyes, Holtz asked or rather stated "Idon'tknowmyselfanymore."

Silence. 

Softly, Patty asked "What do you mean, baby girl?" Abby and Erin glanced at each other, uneasy about where this may lead.

"I'm so ashamed" dropped Holtz, furiously wiping a rebel tear who had escaped her eye. She struggled to continue, but shook her head in disgust.

She stiffly let Abby pull her into a hug. As she felt Abby's arms closing on her, the dam broke.

Erin opened her mouth to say something, changed her mind, closed it and stared at the crease in the tablecloth. Patty's eyes filled with tears. 

Holtzmann, the woman they all loved, was hurting, was hurting bad. 

As the sobbing subsided, Abby, still hugging Holtz with one arm, reached out for tissues and offered some to her friend, hoping she was up to say a bit more about whatever was troubling her.

"You know I'm gay." All three nodded. Sure they knew. Actually two out of three had first hand knowledge.

Being gay was an integral part of her fabric, of her womanhood. It gave her joy, pleasure, made her feel part of a larger sisterhood, of society. The signs of her gayness - the clothes, the pendant, the cheesy flirting, her crotch centric dance moves, the tenderness that flowed from her to women, her laugh, and sometimes confused expressions - mirrored what she felt inside, who she was. It was her way of wearing her soul on her sleeve.

"I let them stuff me back in the closet." she finally explained.

They didn't know how to respond. Silently, each played back in their mind different instances when they had seen Holtz flash a fake smile, when she had nursed a beer at the table rather than pull them to the dance floor.

They remembered when they went along and didn't fight for her when the studio excised the word "gay" from Holtz' biography. They remembered how she barely said a word during some interviews and how funny it was when she started talking about her cat in a sad or ironic attempt at heteronormativity.

Holtz apologized and left the room, crushed, feeling the shame of being whatever she had become, ready to face whatever were the consequences for betraying herself. 

She hadn't reached the top of the stairs yet that Patty's tears were free-flowing on her cheeks. Abby ran out of the room, bawling her eyes out. Erin made a beeline to the nearest washroom. She could hold on to tears but not bile.

They each feared they had been complicit into stuffing her back in the closet. They had sold out Holtz.

Yet, it never crossed Holtz' mind that her friends, those she described as her family, felt such guilt or had any responsibility.

She kept hearing her mom praise her accomplishments after a special showing of the documentary : "Look where it got you." had she proudly said.

Holtz now wanted to add: "Yes Mom, but at what price?"


	3. Busting Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Truth matters. In the end, we fight for each other, even when we screw up. We want to fight to get Holtzmann back, because we love her.

Holtz went to her bedroom. She didn't trust herself anywhere near her work table. She wanted to run from herself. Thinking of making love to a woman, to any woman, brought painful tears to her eyes. 

That morning, Jillian Holtzmann, who had never ever hated herself, hated herself. And it was painful. She bit her hand to stifle her screams, pounded the floor with her fists in anger and pain.

Patty brought back Abby and Erin to the table. 

"Look, we gotta do something. We knew it wasn't right." started Patty. And she went on to say "We all know Holtzy can be pretty self-serving at times but she'd never sell us out the way we did." 

Feeling guilty was how Erin had felt most of her life, struggling to conform to her parents' wishes, to meet her teachers expectations, to fit in academia's rarefied air. Until she joined the Ghostbusters, she felt she was to blame for everything. Her first reflex was to blame Holtz: "She didn't say anything, she played along."

Abby and Patty glared at her. 

Erin bit her lip and added "She played along because we encouraged her to think about the team. We asked her to choose between herself and her family."

Finally, Abby confessed "It was my job to speak up, to protect her and I didn't. We've got to pick up the pieces and fast before she ..." Abby didn't finish her sentence. 

They made their way upstairs. They stopped in front Holtz' bedroom door. They could hear her sob. Abby gently knocked on the door and asked permission to come in. Nobody really expected Holtz to open the door. 

Patty knocked firmly and said "Baby, we're coming in, ok?"

They found Holtz slumped on the floor, her hands covering her face. "Please leave me alone."

"No" Patty said, as she picked her off the floor, carried her to the bed, and sat down, rocking her as she would a child. "You got to hear us out, babe, we're gonna work this out together. You know we love you."

Erin stood just inside the door. In this room, on this bed, she had discovered what it was that made sex between women so wonderful. Holtz had shown her love, respect, self-acceptance, passion. She'd been changed by the beauty and the kindness of the woman Patty was now rocking. Tho their liaison had not lasted that long, they remained close friends. She sat down by Patty, and kissed Holtz' head.

It was up to Abby. "Jillian, we are so sorry, I am so sorry I let them sweep under the carpet part of what makes you so uniquely beautiful." 

Patty continued "We didn't fight for you the way you would have for us. We let you down." She stopped rocking. Erin ran her fingers through Holtz' hair, like she used to do. "Hon, please..." was all she could say. 

Holtz finally sat up on Patty and took a deep breath: she had to assimilate this new piece of information.

"You better babe?" A sad smile and a peck on the cheek was Holtz answer.

Abby tried catching her eyes before offering "It's not too late, we can set the record straight, or gay rather". Holtz perked at the unintended joke.

"You guys go downstairs, I'll help Holtz freshen up, and we'll join you later. Ok? That's ok with you Jillian?" 

Erin wished she hadn't used Holtzmann first name, it had slipped out of her mouth.

Holtz moved over on the bed, letting Patty and Abby leave. She rubbed her temples. All this crying had given her a raging headache. 

Erin stretched out on the bed motioning Holtz to come over. She did, first removing her glasses, then nesting her head on Erin's shoulder, snuggling, one leg over Erin's, the way they used to, in another lifetime.

"Wanna a rest for a bit?"

"Yup"

Holtz relaxed, her respiration became regular. Erin smiled as Holtz once again drooled on her shoulder. Soon, both were asleep.

\-------------------

"Are you coming down?" Erin heard. She checked the clock - it was close to 12:30. She pointed to the still sleeping Holtz. She'd wait until she woke up.

As the door clicked shut, Holtz sighted "I'm awake." Neither one moved. She was drawing equations with her fingertip. 

"The others are waiting for us. Wanna go now?"

Erin couldn't tell whether Holtz had heard her question or not. She was about to repeat when Holtz asked her "Why are you doing this?". There was so much sadness and resignation in her voice.

"This here?" Erin rubbed Holtz' shoulder.

"Yeah, that too"

"This here is us, caring, it's me, feeling I still have the right to reach to your heart." Erin had said enough about that part of the question. The greater why was harder to answer, so many reasons, so many layers. 

"Hon, truth matters. In the end, we fight for each other, even when we screw up. We want to fight to get Holtzmann back, because we love her."

Holtz propped herself on an elbow and peered into Erin's eyes. She read her inner stubborn streak. She didn't want to make it any more awkward than it already was, with her face barely inches from Erin's, her ex-lover. Yet, Erin had not moved to get up. Her hand had moved down to her lower back and pressed. She glanced at her lips and returned to her eyes. She inched away. The hand on her back got more insistent. A dimple creased Holtz' cheek: they kissed. 

Afterwards, Holtz murmured in Erin's neck "I missed you, Hot Stuff" before getting up and offering a hand to Erin. Now wasn't the time. They would need to talk about this later. Patty and Abby were waiting downstairs.

Erin sat next to Holtz, slipped her hand into Holtz'. 

"Baby, Abby and me been going over things that stuck in our minds as being out of character for you" and she talked about the interviews, the documentary, the changes in Holtz. 

"Is that kind of stuff that made your feel bad?"

Erin squeezed her hand. Holtz nodded yes "There's more but yes." She didn't want to talk about the fear of letting her mom down or how humiliating it was to feel broken. 

"For us, hiding and pretending stops now, Jillian. We're gonna take control of this dog and pony show. Is it ok with you if we make sure you, the whole you, is always included in the conversation?" Abby asked.

"Yeah"

"Holtzy, you think it'd be ok to post pictures of you dancing, kissing girls and doing crazy stuff on our blog?"

Holtz used to photobomb with crazy antics. She hadn't done that for a long time, she got camera shy. "Yup" she answered with smile that reached her eyes for the first time in a long time.

"Grab your phone, Patty. I've got the first one for you." Erin said as she grabbed Holtz and landed her lips on hers. 

The pic was steamy hot. Maybe the cat could be stuffed back in the bag, but Holtz was busting out of the closet, in style.


End file.
